The Day we held an Angel
In order to fully understand our loss, I would like to first share the moment we realized we had it all!! On November 15th I walked out of my bathroom, at a loss for words, and barely able to stay conscious long enough to tell my husband that the pregnancy test I had secretly taken….was POSITIVE! In fact, I couldn’t even get words out of my mouth, I simply handed him the pregnancy test, silently sat on the kitchen floor where he was making dinner, and tried to find the appropriate words! It took a while for either of us to say anything, but when I did all that came out of my mouth was “Oh my gosh, I don’t want to poop on the delivery table!!(a silly fear of mine lol) In all seriousness, we were thrilled, scared, excited, nervous, pretty much every emotion imaginable. For so many years doctors had told me that I may not be able to have children due to my endometriosis. The news of my pregnancy was shocking in more than one way.
Fast forward to 8 months later. I had an overall smooth pregnancy. By the 7th month of my pregnancy the nursery was done, the house was organized and clean (after weeks of nesting!) and we were ready for our baby girl!! On June 7th I began contracting. I went into the Labor and Delivery unit. They checked me and baby and after no progress sent me home. Three days later, on a Saturday, the pain became stronger so my husband, Jeffrey, and I went into the hospital, again. This time my contractions were regular and strong and I had progressed from 0 to 4 in 2 hours. It was decided that I should be admitted. I was given lots (I mean lots) of IV fluid, steroid shots to help Sienna’s lungs, and all the information we needed about delivering an early baby (since I was only 34 weeks). We felt ready and excited to meet our baby girl! Both of our families had come to the hospital and we were all camping out in my room eating food (in true Portuguese/Japanese fashion), discussing and laughing about all sorts of inappropriate delivery stories, taking guesses about what she would look like, and ultimately just anticipating our baby girls arrival!! After no progress beyond 4cm, I was sent home the following morning. I was still contracting regularly but they were no longer creating progress. I was so disappointed, I wanted so bad to meet and hold my baby, but on the other hand it was still early and I wanted my baby to be healthy.
That Wednesday (3 days after being discharged) I went in for a follow up appointment. We heard Sienna’s heartbeat and saw her active little self. Everything looked good. I had progressed half a centimeter and I had effaced to 60%. My contractions were still strong and regular however, to my surprise, the doctor sent me home and not to L&D. The following day, on June 15th I had an eerie feeling and different sort of pain. My mother and I rushed to the hospital. When we got there it took the nurse 15 minutes of trying to find the heartbeat before she went and got the doctor who confirmed our WORST fear with 4 words…”There is no heartbeat”. My heart sank. I couldn’t believe what we had just heard.
On June 16th, after 14 hours of active labor, I delivered my 6lb 12oz sleeping angel. It was possibly the hardest thing I believe I’ll ever have to do; pushing through and delivering my baby knowing she would be lifeless, was unimaginable. She was perfect in every way. We are agreed that she was just far too perfect for earth! Though we miss her more than words could accurately describe, we are comforted to know that our sweet little angel is in heaven, watching over us, and untouched by this harsh and cold world!